The supermarket! The magical brick and steel maze wherein we wander and ponder amid the buzz of fellow clients and the calming glow of florescent light, as we pick and choose the myriad items and foodstuffs through which we fill our larders and empty our bank accounts. However, confusion strikes! Conundrum of conundrums for the unwitting shopper unenlightened in the ways of Supermarket Etiquette. How should One act when caught in the headlights of rampant consumerism? Fear not intrepid prospective patron of the bazaar, for all answers lie here in this Discourse of Desired Public Behavior!
1) The Proper Treatment of The Help
Upon your many journeys through the supermarket you will notice the various members of the assiduous cadre. There to answer queries and to act as eager guides, should you find yourself waylaid in the hunt for especially rare products that allude your keen shoppers eye. When approaching these mysterious keepers of market lore, one should be cautious. Helpful as they can be, dealing with these unusual fellows can be tricky. Be mindful of their chicanery. Be sure to approach them pugnaciously, asserting your dominance with appropriate snobbish demeanor. The abruptness in attitude with a well placed word of aggression will quickly win their respect and admiration. After this initial furtiveness, the will of this adjutant is bound to you and their desire to do your bidding will become palpable. Remember, the only thing that pleases these public servants more than the flowing riches their masters bestow upon them for their drudgery, is outright debasement.
2) Acquainting Oneself with Your Consumer Rights
Be cautious, for surely your local shop is fraught with hidden traps and conspiracies in abundance to beguile and rob many an unwary individual of their precious coin. Each and every one of these pitfalls planned by masters of connivance. From the wickedness of incorrect pricing to the sheer gall of shelves that occasionally bear only poor quality fruit or the scant remains of a once bountiful supply of the desired alcoholic beverage you so wished to purchase. All trials are purposely inflicted upon you, but what recourse do you have? Seek you the unwritten ‘Tome of My Rights.’ Whatever mild grievances may hinder your arduous trek through the supermarket, the answer is always simple. Bear in mind the aforementioned treatment of the staff and all will become clear. Remain indignant and in a loud, clear and imperious tone; inform the nearest store colleague that You Know Your Rights. Coupling this brave action with threats and detrimental comparisons to the emporium’s competitor’s will once again win you their respect and desire to appease your wrath, for they know full well that their deception is uncovered and you are wise to their nefarious wiles! Keep close the knowledge that human error never occurs in the bustle of the market place, drown out staff protestations of innocent mistakes with your powerful anger and the outcome shall favor you!
3) The Correct Placement of Products and The Lack of Desirable Items
It is important to remember that just because you have considered purchasing a chosen item, does not mean you are required to do so, no contract has been struck. Many a time your faithful author has returned a product to the shelves after reconsidering my prior decision to part with my hard earned capital in order to aquire it. If you find yourself struck by such a moments uncertainty, have no second thoughts when banishing said item from your trolley/basket. Truly, do not concern yourself with simple matters of cross contamination as you discard the raw meat into a crate of apples. Don’t think twice as you leave the expensive bag of frozen iced treats to melt among the cosmetics. Moreover, when you diligently hunt for the elusive loose oranges or individual bottles of cider only to find them swiped by fellow shoppers and only the expensive multipacks remain, your choice is clear. Remember Your Rights! Tear those packets open, taking what you need before discarding the rest as the useless husk it is! After all, you must maintain your dominance over the lesser mortals of the store hierarchy, who bathe in the riches they draw in daily and shan’t miss that money they have lost on that which you have taken. Rest easy for victory is surely yours.
4) The Shop and Your Offspring
Many consumers will dive into their weekly quest to replenish their food supplies with progeny in tow. If you find your child in the midst of a rampant tantrum, or running amok in a moment of childhood impishness, always remember that the supermarket is a haven for such behaviors. The dulcet tones of the screaming anklebiter is the sweetest music to the ears of staff, so never correct their behavior. In addition to this, allowances must always be made on allowing them to run wild amid the aisles of fragile goods. After all, you are busy with your task and accidents never happen. Furthermore, should an unhappy occurrence play out in the vein of child meets floor via tripping, resulting in a minor injury, remember that You Know Your Rights. This is clearly the fault of the devilish ancilla of the store and you can always claim compensation if you remember to once again raise the cry of defiance against the supermarket shysters!
There you have it my friends, a complete guide to the appropriate behavior to bring into play when next you find yourself visiting the supermarket!
The Wonderful Wizard of Whine