Concerning Umbrella Corporation…


After a lengthy perusal of many of your organisation’s facilities, I feel it is my duty to inform and underline what I perceive to be myriad grievous error’s both in management and in regard to foolhardy business decisions. It is my firm belief that these flaws, if left unchecked, may very well spell disaster of the most cataclysmic proportions for your company.

To begin with, I shall illustrate problems of a practical nature concerning the physical layout and general day-to-day operations in your various facilities. With grandiose art deco design in a repetitive renaissance theme, one can’t help but wonder what impact this must have on annual overheads and outgoing costs. Surely, this must undermine the corporation’s profitability and i urge that a passing glance at an annual profit and loss statement would highlight this point. I would humbly suggest toning down the lavish expenditure on interior design in order to bolster profitability. Moreover, when design and aesthetic begins to impact on day-to-day activities then surely there is a clear and present problem. Consider if you will, that Workers should not be over an hour late for work because they forgot to track down the dog with the special collar that’s actually a false key, required to get the real key from a medieval dungeon of randomly swinging blades, after placing the special stone tablet in the proper receptacle in order to place the broken sword in the right hilt on the other side of the complex just because they do not wish to be crushed too death while making their coffee and cereal each morning. 

Nor should it take an employee several days to hand in reports and important data simply because the appropriate key to access each office requires travelling around the complex solving chess and card game related puzzles to obtain coloured gems which in turn are used to unlock treasure chests that contain crystal wings which attach to a model of a demon which then balances a weight on a statue that has the desired key safely locked within. This clearly underlines a serious issue regarding the efficient and effective management of each facility. However, I am not a man who will not give credit where it is due. Your head of security is clearly very intelligent and creative. I would perhaps suggest a career change, clearly s/he has pursued the incorrect calling in life. 

However, in regard to dealing with industrial accidents related to the chemicals and B.O.W’s, the aforementioned layout design flaws regularly lead to an atrocious execution of evacuation and clean up procedures. Small changes would help reduce the organisation’s staff turnover. In addition to this, I would perhaps suggest that a frank re-consideration of the company’s business goals. Every facility and town in which your business is firmly based and developed has been destroyed with a 99% mortality rate among staff. 

I regret that i have also witness gross mismanagement in regard to the company’s various resources. Medical and military grade supplies are abundant to the point of mind bogglery. Also, these items are not strictly controlled as befits their dangerous nature. I dread to think of what could happen in the worst care scenario. However, i do feel that this lack of management may stem from a deep rooted narcotics problem among staff, with an obscene collection of “weeds” growing in pots all over each and every facility I have visited. I fear this long term narcotic abuse may have had a greater impact on staff than you may realise. With catastrophic disasters being a commonplace occurrence at every lab and facility under the Umbrella banner. Not too mention the obvious tell tale signs of drug abuse being prevalent among senior management and staff. Of course, I am referring to their violent, angry dispositions coupled with paranoia an inexplicable need to hate the world around them.

it is then with regret that i suggest stringent psychological evaluation of all staff. Undesirable elements must be removed in order to maintain a high standard of safety, efficiency, effective management and profitability. For example, it should not be considered standard practice to eradicate an entire city and it’s population in order to obtain test data. You cannot sell weapons if you wipe out the planet during the testing phase. While I admire your enthusiasm on constructing the best bio-weaponry, perhaps remembering that the apocalypse would bring about a further noticeable drop in annual profits. 

It seems apparent that the pursuit of Chemical, and Biological weaponry is simply not Umbrella’s forté. Perhaps baking, or the creation of wonderful chocolate based desserts and confectionery would be a worthier and increasingly profitable venture, not to mention the dramatic decrease in work related fatalities and the day-to-day risks.

Yours with deep concern
The Wonderful Wizard of Whine


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