Like one, that on a lonesome road, Doth walk in fear and dread…of Seagulls.

Any Iron Maiden fan worth his salt will recognise the quote:

“This is what not to do if a bird s***s on you.”

Now, I wholeheartedly agree that ‘The Rime of The Ancient Mariner’ is undoubtedly a harrowing story serving as a worthy seafaring morality tale. However, I would like to impose and interject with my own two pence:

F**k you, bird. S**t on me and I will kill you and eat your children.

So there I am. A warm day in Belfast, your faithful raconteur walking to his grandparents house after disembarking from the bus. When suddenly with heavy thump, a lifeless lump, a bloody seagull shat on me. On the cheek and all. Bastard. White feathery bastard. Winged harbinger of precipitous doom. After digging deeply into my pocket, I attempted to remove the cloying, beastly mess from my despoiled jowl with aid from a slightly used Kleenex which, as it turned out, was somewhat unsuitable for the task. Thankfully, I found myself beside a shopping center with a McDonald’s. So, first stop: Pharmacy, to obtain the necessary facial wipes, then onward to contend with the tracksuited chavs, accompanied by their shrill broods, feasting on their deep fried luncheon. Finally, I found myself safely within the public W.C.

Some would undoubtedly argue that when one spends at least 15 minutes washing and wiping one’s violated cheek, it could be considered ridiculously excessive. To these vulgarian philistines I say NAY! It’s never too much!

Water, water, everywhere, and bird poo in the sink.
Water, water, everywhere, I need a bloody drink.

Anyway enough of this tomfoolery.

With the references to Iron Maiden and, notably, the work of Samuel Coleridge, I’d wager that you’re expecting the obvious Maiden song to accompany this particular rant. But no, i’m sticking with Oaf. Fuck off, seagull.

On a serious note, I took a moment to see how many vistors I’ve had since this blog began. Wow. That’s a lot more than the number I was expecting. Which was none! Thank you! I’ll be back with a slightly more serious minded article soon. I’ve been rather busy lately with wizardly things. Hah, I cannot lie… frankly I’ve been inappropriately lazy! Anyway, stay tuned.